Author's note: This was written in the mid-2000s, but I am unsure of the exact date. I have left the cultural references as they are still relevant today. It is by far one of my most sarcastic pieces of satire, and I never thought I would have the wherewithal to publish it. While it has nothing to do with theology or ministry, it focuses on what I believe is essential to humanity: character and integrity. I still believe in what I wrote, and it all comes down to the conclusion. This was updated on 2/21/2025 DJB.
So, this is where all the madness begins…I mean, I have arrived at the seventh circle of hell.
Until a couple of weeks ago, I had never heard of Justin Bieber. I wish I hadn't. I am going to tell my therapist I have a new complex: "Bieber phobia." Something tells me it will take a few more sessions than usual to deal with this one. "You see, he just is so...."
In my attempt to get away for a weekend with my wife, fate decided it was vital for me to be introduced to the "Bieber meister" on television in my hotel room. For those without an idea who Justin Bieber is, go to YouTube.com. If you have no idea what YouTube.com is, please do the rest of us a favor; don't ask!
As I relaxed as much as I could in the cheap hotel furniture in my suite, I started to flip channels. A clip from Conan O'Brien's late-night show came on. He interviewed Mr. Bieber about his trip to the White House to meet President Obama. During the discourse, he began mocking the President of the United States of America! This obnoxious, uninvited Canadian visitor to our country made fun of how the President spoke. But this was not just the President, but the first African American President ever elected. His mocking of President Barack Obama was more than just a lapse in judgment but stunk of "racial" overtones. Bieber, a pale-skinned Canadian, was making fun of the first black President.
I couldn't believe what I was listening to. I was jumping up and down and down screaming. I was so frustrated I could have flagellated. What bothered me about the mind-numbing YouTube YouTube.com "wonder" was that he believed he was genuinely being funny. Yet his parody was not funny; it was insulting. What he was doing was allowing Conan O'Brien to make an "ass" out of himself for a cheap punch line. Conan wasn't funny and never has been amusing. He used Bieber to raise his ratings and make him look humorous. So, who cares? The audience laughs, and Conan gets a check; all is well with the universe. Wrong.
Bieber had turned an of a lifetime to visit the White House into a sick derogatory joke for Conan, who was the latest burn-out hero of late-night television. I'm sorry, Conan, but going from the Tonight Show on NBC to TBS isn't a promotion. It's a demotion and an act of desperation by a "very pathetic network." If it weren't for programs like Seinfeld, Everybody Loves Raymond, Tyler Perry's House of Payne, and its recently absurd and cynical shows like The Office, the network wouldn't exist. While I am on the topic, would someone let Jay Leno know that the rest home has been called and they want their bedpan back?? It isn't a shiny mirror, Jay.
This honor bestowed upon him by the President of the United States of America was turned into a mockery by a snot-nosed-nosed Canadian, making millions of stupid teenagers download and download his music and go to his concerts. His invitation to the White House was not just an invitation to Chuck E. Cheese's to meet Hannah Montana or Miley Cyrus for a play date. Justin, can you tell the difference? Right? Either way, they're not jailbait anymore, but you still are, LOL! OMG! IMSOFNY!
Respect is something that is often asked for by many. Still, when the opportunity is presented to receive it, most of us fall into the Justin Bieber category. We take it for granted and abuse it. President Obama extended an invitation out of respect to Bieber, and he threw it away with his circus act on late-night television. This fiasco could be compared to Johnny Carson interviewing Jack Hanna and the chimpanzee. All that was missing was the chimpanzee on Johnny Carson's head and Ed McMahon's ridiculous wheezing laugh. That would have been far more entertaining. Too bad I can't find that re-run on TBS.
Like it or lump it all together, Obama is the President of the United States! That deserves respect and honor, if not more so, from our country's visitors and "guest workers"! Bieber, your "cash payday" depends on the ability to be in this country. It's not like Canada made you a pop icon. They may have invented Ice Hockey, but the internet invented you! If I seem harsh, it is because I am. I make no apologies. I realize he is a Canadian citizen, so I should cut him slack. So, when Canadian hockey is played on ice in hell, Tim Horton's has reasonable parking lots, better doughnuts, cup lids from this century, and short drive-thru lines. I will wait. I will go to one of those Fufu coffee bars and…
Would someone get me an apple fritter and a caramel mocha latte? Make that with non-fat whipped cream, please!
Bieber's actions were rude and deserving of secret torture and deportation to Guantanamo as an enemy of the state. Please help me, George W. & Karl Rove, you're my only hope. Even Tiger Woods got scolded for spitting on the green during a tournament. Oh, the outrage! Would one of my "people" please check with United States Attorney General Eric Holder and see if Bieber's actions are a deportable offense? Perhaps he could consult with former Attorney General Janet Reno. She did a bang-up job with little Elian Gonzalez and that Waco thing. However, in her defense, you must admit that a swat team in camouflage, automatic weapons, and tear gas at dawn makes for a great welcome home party following your mother's death at sea. I am so thankful that the magazines published pictures of the swat team with their fingers off the triggers. Staged photo-op? I think so, but who am I?
All I can say is I am glad that Bieber is still a teen. I couldn't handle another Elian fiasco. However, if Janet Reno were on the job (listen up, Eric), she would only have to look at the swankiest parties to find him. She might even get in without a cover charge. However, they might have her wear a bag over her head so as not to scare the tyke. That's why It’s called a "black bag" operation.
The following morning, my wife and I went to the toy store. We were purchasing a guilt gift for our daughter. We entered and were greeted by the musical Justin Bieber doll, complete with the "try me button" on the doll's stomach. This was a pedophile's delight. They could have held special pricing for registered sex offenders! One wonders if the doll was anatomically correct. (Sorry folks, that was even too creepy for me.) We continued laughing at the toy dolls, stickers, magazines, etc... We made snide comments like, "Justin Bieber, you're my hero" or "Justin, just say yes. Forever." We even heard one of his songs playing as we walked through the aisles and got goosebumps. I thought, "He's playing this one just for us!" It turned out he wasn't. It was just a recording to get customers to buy stuff. It's such a shame. I thought we were sharing something special, just the three of us.
As we geared to leave the house of teen insanity, I came across the holy grail of "right now" pop culture crap. The light was shown from heaven above and illuminated the shelf. Thunder rolled, and lighting exploded. Choirs of angels sang, and workers fell to their knees. A voice (I think it was pitchman Billy Mayes) from above shouted: "Thow shall buy Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever for $24.99(dramatic pause), and if you act fast, we will double your nauseating order and kick you in the pants a week later for buying it!" Perhaps I am exaggerating slightly and overdramatic, but you get the point.
Is it necessary to make every person who shows a tiny bit of talent into a superstar celebrity? What would happen if we all woke up one morning and were famous, wealthy, and great-looking without plastic surgery? Yeah, right, sign me up for liposuction, Botox, and a couple of spare tire tucks, not to mention a buttock tuck. Can they do that? I can't wait for plastic surgery to be covered by Obama Care. The only thing that scares me about that idea is that Jack Kevorkian might be the Anesthesiologist. I guess I better pre-plan my funeral.
Hollywood has done a fabulous job of creating icons and personas from people that no one could imagine or conceive. Does anyone remember Sanjaya Joseph Malakar? Good luck pronouncing his name. Come on, you must remember the crazed nut job who took the television program American Idol in its 6th season (2006-2007) hostage? Let me refresh your memory. Bad hair, singing, acting, and all-around obnoxious behavior ring a bell. This individual rose to stardom through the internet and social media networks. He created for himself a brand image. He and Bieber are alike, riding their fifteen-minute-of-fame toy train straight into oblivion. No one will remember they ever existed in ten years because as soon as their fame is snuffed out, another "pop icon" will appear.
Years ago, we had Ed McMahon with Star Search. Before that, it was the Ed Sullivan Show. Today, it’s called American Idol, America's Got Talent, America's Top Model, etc... What's next? American Idiot? Oh, wait a minute, there is a television show called An Idiot Abroad (TNT), which is a spoof about a moronic American traveler who breaks social customs and norms, insulting himself, his country, and other cultures. Is nothing sacred? What has this world come to? Must we constantly try to top the absurd?
It seems that the more you make an ass out of yourself, the more attractive you become to everyone else. Why? Is it all too terrible, simple, and upsetting to be yourself? For children thirty and younger, please listen and take notes. This will not be on Twitter or posted on Facebook as a status update. It will not be found on YouTube. It will require you to sit still and listen for thirty seconds with your electronic devices in the off position. Please put your tray tables upright and locked and prepare for the landing. And for the love of.... put your listening ears on!
Here goes:
"Individuality should be cherished. It is something beautiful that can't be taken from us unless we choose to give it away. Be who you are, not who society wants you to be." That's it. It's only 139 characters. I guess it would have made it to Twitter, but I am so glad I didn't. Wait a minute. I don't know how to tweet!
Following our trip to the toy store, we arrived at our destination for the day: the corporate-owned, sold-out, conservative (formerly liberally risqué) bookstore. This was a mistake. This was not a Bieber-free zone as it appeared to be! We walked through the entire store and didn't see one Justin Bieber piece of paraphernalia. No Lollapalooza was going on here, and it was clear that the Biebermeister wasn't signing autographs. We approached the counter to check out our $3.99 children's book (no, it didn't have anything to do with Bieber.) I saw a magazine with his pristine, airbrushed face looking at me in the eyes. I said, "I just can't get away from this guy!" The clerk thought I was talking about him. Perhaps he thought I was his biggest fan. I spoke calmly and explained my Bieber dilemma to the clerk's grotesquely unshaven beard, slovenly dressed, cow-faced, college-aged clerk (think of a cross between Jack Black and Chris Farley, then add 50lbs). He seemed to empathize with me like a seasoned sage or mystic. He listened thoughtfully and intently. His eyes got deep as he looked me square in the face. His voice was slow and comforting as he explained the Justin Bieber story. I was like Frodo listening to Gandalf about the ring of power and my destiny; all that was missing was a pipe with some fresh smoldering pipe-weed from the Shire. He started to tell me how he grew up in??? Someplace in Ontario, that's Canada, in case there is any question. He explained that he had written the book Justin Bieber: First Step 2 Forever when he was 12, and this book was his life story! That was it! I couldn't take it anymore! I was going to explode! I was going to come out swinging! All that was missing was Mickey, Pauley, Rocky, and that annoying song they play repeatedly every time he trains. Oh, yeah, I forgot, "Adriennne."
Do we have life stories and legacies when we are barely teenagers? For crying out loud, most preteen and teen boys are still trying to determine if spray deodorant is better than "roll-on" or stick. Will one of my people please get off your twenty-something duffs and find out if they even make "roll-on" anymore? Some of you aren't sure what deodorant is, but keep trying.
Listen here, you fame-seeking, internet-addicted pubescent twerps! Fame does not equal wisdom or life experience, nor does it deserve respect. Fame is a fleeting experience. Now you see it, now you don't. It means nothing at all. If anything, fame lets others know that you need and crave their attention to give you self-worth. When it's over, you still must roll off the couch after a one-night stand with some barely legal girl or boy in a drunken stupor and look at yourself in the cracked China-Mart mirror. If you don't like what you see through the cracked glass, you aren't going to like what you see when the red carpet is shipped off to the thrift store, and the paparazzi head off to find the next internet superstar.
There are some benefits to fame and stardom. Every time you get busted for drugs or a DWI, you can enter rehab and avoid jail time. Shoplifting, DWI, and Prostitutes all seem to get a free pass. Shoplifting is different; just ask Lindsey Lohan and Wynona Ryder what prison garb does to one's complexion. Hollywood Icons all seem to have train wrecks of lives until that one moment they make their comeback. Then, they can reflect and have a legacy. I can't wait to hear Brittany Spear's new album. OMG! It is going to be so awesome!
I still don't like Justin Bieber, not because he is the Biebermeister, but because of what he represents. He represents a lackadaisical, poorly educated, snot-wiping group of plugged-in whiners looking for stardom. The hell with what he did to our President. It's his entire generation who needs a good-ass whooping. I'm trying to make it from day to day with my integrity and character intact. Is that too much to ask? As a side note, "Mr. President, I would be honored to meet you in the Oval Office."
I would be interested in Fifteen Minutes of Fame if I could get an oversized pair of Justin Bieber pajamas and matching bed sheets. Yep, that would do it for me. Bring on the paparazzi! Until then, I will settle for who I am, and that's okay with me.
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